My Home Sweet Home

In France they have the cafes. Ireland has the pubs. And in America we have.... Starbucks? 

There are many questionable aspects to common practices in the American culture, in my opinion. The way we interpret this idea of 'the third place' is one of them.

It is essential to the psychological and physical well-being of people to have a place other than home and work in which to 'hang out'. The idea is somewhere easily accessible. The watering hole down the street. The mom n' pop coffee shop in town. The bookstore. The post office. The smaller supermarket a few blocks away.  These places are important for society, democracy, and less obviously- for humans establishing feelings of a sense of place. 

This all makes sense to me, considering we as humans thrive on connection. Our cities thrive on connection.  Then why is the American society based on disconnection? 

In this idea of 'the third place', Oldenburg (read The Great Good Place; amazing book) refers to the home as the 'first place'. Work is the 'second place'. Ironically, here we spend more time at the second place than we do at the first place. And as for the third place... that pivotal place for building the sense of community in people and in their towns.... is diminishing in America. The locally owned companies are closing. We are less likely to go to a local restaurant for an intimate meal shared with friends than we are to go to the same restaurant or a chain restaurant to eat a business lunch. We go to the coffee shop to get our early morning fix or afternoon pick-me-up, not to chat with the clientele... or an even stranger concept... actually meet someone there! We are even starting to turn our 'third place' into our 'second place'- as people are more commonly resembling zombies staring at their laptops on the tables rather than a person sitting across from them. We are more likely to go to the bar down the street to complain about our jobs, our interactions with others, to forget the day.  To shut out the human interactions. Not to greet our fellow neighbors when they walk in the door. 

I personally am sad about this. It is nothing new, and actually pretty cliche. We would rather just go about our day than spend a moment connecting with another. It is easier. Faster. I understand that. It is not our fault. We are conditioned that way. Our culture sees things through a very dominant paradigm. However, I am not completely cynical. I do believe that we are all functioning from our best intention... and that we are trying to do things a little better than they were done before us... but that tread that connects us is missing. 

I notice this in many ways. Try running in your community. Try making eye contact with those you pass. I am not even asking for a greeting, I am talking about a one second connection, non-verbally, as we pass. Try telling a father (or a mother) of an upset little boy (or girl) that it's okay his kid is crying. It's okay he is sad. Or tell that woman who is complaining  that the line at the supermarket is taking too long that it does suck to wait in line. She will look at you like you've lost your mind for acknowledging her feelings, let alone having empathy for her being in a hurry. She will think you are weird for feeling, for reaching out, for being human with her. 

I believe this is all woven together. We would rather get in our car and drive to the mall than go to the local store, chat with the employees and fellow shoppers. The mall is safer. We don't have to 'feel' anything there. It is populated by strangers. Our eyes will not typically cast on familiar faces. 

This happens due, in part, to suburban planning destroying local public life and community. But there are other contributing factors. We are more likely to watch reality TV than we are to create our own reality. We know the characters by name, but what's the guy across the streets name, again? (I guess it doesn't really matter... we are less likely to invite him into our homes every Thursday night to share an hour and some laughs with us). We chat on our computers. The internet takes away our need for geography. We are 60% less likely to go on a picnic or have dinner with our own families than we were in the 60's-70's.. and 35% less likely to even drink beer in a bar.

Interestingly, this culture of disconnection could actually contribute to our health. The studies of social trends in the last century leave us with the information that our chances of dying are cut in 1/2 over the next 12 months by joining one group. The professor who conducted this study also claims that social isolation is as big a risk factor for death as smoking. He actually says, "If you smoke and you belong to no groups... it's a close call which is riskier." I guess it has something to do with social support, like having a ride to the doctor's office.. but it also says something about how being alone and not in tune with others is very stressful, biochemically.  

We know humans are the only species born without fully developed brains, and the brain isn't fully mature until we are in our 20's... but we have recently made large advances in the studies of the brain being directly effected by the connections we make... with other people. Brain growth is really about growing the connection between the 100 billion of neurons that are in our brain at birth. How these neurons are connected (which ones with which ones as well as how strong) has to do directly with our experiences. Experiences shape the structure of our brains, and relationships form and moderate our experiences. The connections that are the strongest survive, which are made by repetition and where there is a strong emotion connected to the experience (i.e., relationships with others). 

So my question is if we know that relationships, community, connection, and emotion actually help grow the brain... why are we focusing more on the opposite? We confuse work with home. Starbucks actually used this idea of 'the third place' in their marketing plans. (Ironically, so did PlayStation--another tool not commonly associated with getting out into our communities and forming relationships our neighbors). So in America, one of the largest multi-billion dollar companies is where we see this idea trying to surface! We ignore that escape from the serious spheres of life we live in. We spend our day rushing and commuting, sometimes without directly looking anyone in the eye. I'm not talking about being friendly. I'm talking about being human. Building our communities. Sharing the human experience with others in this world. Isn't that what life is all about?